Finding love as been harder now than in my grandfather’s generation with dating apps, we have more choices, distractions and narcissism. YES, I have my fair share of dating experiences, and why its so difficult to find love is, I do not think people know what love is. I ask many candidates what they are passionate about? and one guy said “myself”.
The failure to see that love takes sacrifice, to be happy means you have to give up something, and that there is no free lunch in this world. The key word here is “self”, are you selfish or selfless? do you give or take? do you take more than you can give? then you are selfish, do you give more than you take? you get the point.
Let’s define narcissistic, I’m not talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I’m talking about narcissistic characteristics, so I look up the definition for you, you’re welcome
But here are some characteristics to notice so you can RUN not WALK away on your date:
1. grandiose self importance
2. preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, beauty or ideal love.
3. believes he or she is ‘special’ and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high status people (or institutions).
4. Requires excessive admiration.
5. Has sense of entitlement
6. Is interpersonally exploitative
7. Lacks empathy
8. Is often envious of others or believes others are envious of him or her.
9. Shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
For most of us, we have all those narcissistic characteristics, and that is OKAY, but if it is extreme, it is all a balance. You cannot have too much and too less. confidence, then you are just shitting others with your inflated ego.
In psychoanalytically, the love of self is internalized and not externalized, and love objects (other people) are like tools to help you gratify your wishes and fantasies. That is a BIG problem, if we are not willing to give up parts of us.
Social Media like Facebook, Instagram, and etc allows us this shift inward. We do not have to go outside to connect with people anymore. There is this obsession of selfies, (that I am very guilty of), posting and sharing our daily lives and projecting false sense of the “happy” (pleasurable) life. One of my pet peeves is that people cannot put their phone away and enjoy the moment to moment, being present.
If you are dating again, going through big breakup like divorce, bad experiences and feeling burnout, I'm here to help, I have in person and virtual in Upper West Side office, and use EMDR/Trauma work to help you clear out and declutter your closet space of your ex in your brain, schedule a free 15 minutes intro call.
