I have had clients in the past who were in a similar situation, in their late 20s, and decided to return to their parents' home after gaining some independence to pay off debts. They also had not moved out on their own until they saved enough money for a down payment to buy a condo/co-op.
In the Chinese culture is very common to live at home until you are married or can afford to buy a home instead of renting, and take care of your parents.
Young adults and their parents should have a tough conversation about boundaries that include responsibilities, finances, space, emotions, and time, as well as ground rules, before moving back home. This way, there's no resentment or contention over time. In order for this to work, there needs to be respect and rules so the child can separate and individuate and not regress back into a teenager.
1) financial- how much would the parent or the young adult expect to contribute, would they contribute for groceries, mortgage, HOA, or help with utilities?
2) Space- it's important to have a conversation about physical space and where the adult child can use or not use space. or when guests can come, or if they bring a girlfriend or boyfriend home, or friends over, or enter their room to clean or look at their things.
time-if there's a certain time parents go to bed, or wake up, or the schedules, such as 9 am to 5 pm when the adult is working from home, to not disturb them. What are times together (eating together, watching tv for example) or times separate? (adult child may want to be left alone after work or not have conversations with parents), maybe even separate times to use the kitchen or bathroom, and a schedule.
3) For parents and the child to get along, it's important that they do weekly or monthly check-ins to listen to each other's needs and wants, and have boundaries. The adult child needs to understand that this is their parents' house and they are living in their space. The parents need to understand they are grown-ups and not teenagers anymore, and should be treated like adults, and give them space, do not intrude, or tell them when to go to sleep, eat, or clean. Adult children should also recognize the parents do not own them shit for letting them stay in their house and be respectful and grateful for their generosity, but not to take advantage of it, and be expected to help out in the house financially and physically.
4) There will be resentment, fights, and misunderstandings that would occur when living together; it's unavoidable, but I think it's important to have check-ins and be patient. However, I do believe strongly that some personalities do not mix well together, so if the adult children have no choice to move back home, they should discuss ways to move forward or help the child create a plan so they can move out as soon as possible, such as a timeline for when the child will move out to give the parents some relief. It would be hard to have privacy, for the adult child,/ hard to have intercourse with their girlfriend/boyfriend, or to masturbate. Communication and respect (boundaries) are the key to success in living together. Respect each other's privacy and ask for permission or consent if not sure, don't assume the parent or adult child would be comfortable. One mindset or reframe that might be helpful is that space apart or having boundaries is not a rejection or criticism but instead a form of love for each other, a love and relationship with no boundaries and respect is scary and toxic, but a relationship for each other with boundaries is a form you of love because when you love someone, you respect them and recognize they are not an extension of you but a human/person with needs and wants different from you, and you want them to be happy and have space to grow.
5) I work with a few clients who struggle with not thriving or launching. What comes up is guilt, extreme anxiety, and shame. Over time, it affects the adult child's self-esteem, and they feel incompetent and not good enough for society. It's tough working with this population because when you offer practical suggestions, such as fixing your resume, it's shaming if they are not able to do it and causes more anxiety, that they go into defense mode. It's important to work with their anxiety first and help them have tools and coping skills to deal with the anxiety and learn to process and deal with the shame in the body in therapy or meditation. I notice that titrating steps and also affirmations and positive reinforcement, recognizing small wins, can be very helpful and normalizing that this is a tough job market, and also others are staying at home to save money. This type of reframe helps adult children feel less ashamed about living at home.
Resources:
Hilary Jacobs Hendel and Natasha Prenn - Parents Have Feelings Too
If you are an adult moving back home or the parent of adult children, I can help, book a 15 minutes free consultation now.
