It’s very common in the Chinese culture for aunties and grandmothers to ask a woman when they are getting married or when are they having children and then proceed to give unsolicited advice. I find American culture to be more subtle about it, but aunties and grandmothers still ask about it. When I was in my twenties, I would often wonder why it’s not okay to ask if a married couple is having children or when they are planning to have them. My ignorance comes from my upbringing, and also just never being told why. As I have more life experience and have done more therapy, I now understand, and I thought it would be helpful to tell people why.

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1. Are you dating anyone? This is a triggering question because the dating world has become too complicated now, even the person dating wouldn’t know because there are situationships (which means a romantic or sexual relationship that isn’t defined or lacks commitment. Also, it’s out of the woman’s control if they are dating someone or not. Sometimes it’s timing, and sometimes its luck. I say it’s timing because most women meet their boyfriends and husbands in college and graduate school, and at work. I say luck because sometimes, people just find each other in the right place and right time, and are ready to settle. If you are dating someone, but it’s not official yet, then it’s hard to talk about it because it might not work out, and it’s awkward to explain what happened. If you are not dating someone, the other person might proceed to give unsolicited advice that is outdated and no longer works in this modern dating world of apps.
2. When are you and your boyfriend getting married? This is a sensitive, hard, and triggering question, too, because the woman knows that there’s an expectation from late twenties to early thirties to get engaged and married, but it is out of their control. To be married, you have to have mutual consent from both parties. If the woman in a relationship answers soon, then there’s pressure from the guy. If the woman answers no, then the person asking the question would offer unsolicited advice and comment that she is not getting any younger or to leave her man if he doesn’t want to marry her.
3. When are you having children? This is also a hard and triggering question for a married couple.  There are many reasons why this is a triggering question. One is 1 in 5 women struggles with infertility, and IVF is costly and success rate is 30%. Also, about 1 in 4 women miscarry in their first trimester. Miscarriage and infertility are deeply traumatic and isolating to women. Also, it becomes tricky too if the couple is having marital issues (cheating, money problems, one party does not want children, incompatibility), and in couples therapy. Sometimes, shit is expensive, some couples simply cannot afford to pay rent, so they are delaying having children. There are many reasons why couples are not having children yet. If a woman tells you the reason why they are having children or not, then the person proceeds to give unsolicited advice on how to get pregnant or not to “try” so hard, it will come. However, the reality is you do have to try. Some women may also have genetic issues for cancer or mental issues (schizophrenia, epilepsy) that they do not want to pass on to their biological children.

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In conclusion, it’s better not to ask unless you are their therapist. Let them bring it up when they are ready to share, but in the meantime, do not ask those questions! If you are a single woman struggling with dating, marriage or having children and want to talk to someone that understands you, feel free to book a free intro call and learn more about what I can do! I am an Asian American therapist in Upper West Side that specializes in women's issues.

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