The Illusion of Strength

There is something I notice from time to time in couples who come to see me, a pause when one partner says: “We give each other space” or “We are good at surviving on our own” and the other’s face softens in a way that looks more like sadness than pride.

Independence feels noble. It sounds mature, balanced, evolved. It’s often presented as a marker of a healthy relationship: no clinging, no drama, no dependency. But sometimes, what we call space is really distance, and what we call strength is a quiet kind of loneliness.

Yes, we can survive on our own. But do we really want to?

There are many people who built their lives around the promise of self-sufficiency. Some of them learned early that needing others can hurt, and that love can disappear, disappoint, or overwhelm. When this happens, independence becomes our armor. It serves well for a time. But when we are talking about love, armor always has a cost.

The Loneliness of Self-Sufficiency

When independence becomes a guiding principle, closeness can start to feel very risky. We avoid approaching our partner because we don’t want to appear needy. We disregard what we feel. We reassure ourselves that “I’m fine” is safer than “I need you.”

And it works — until it doesn’t.

At first, it seems easier to soothe ourselves, to handle our emotions alone, to keep the peace by not asking for too much. In many cases it is very true. But over time, the walls that once protected us begin to feel like a prison. The relationship starts to feel functional but flat — two people coexisting rather than deeply connected to each other.

What Real Strength Looks Like

We often think strength means control: a steady voice, a calm face, no emotions. But in relationships, strength often looks like the opposite. It can be the courage to let someone matter, with all that it entails. Sometimes it can be admitting we need someone. Sometimes it can be riskin being disappointed or hurt.

I have seen couples rediscover each other the moment they drop the performance of strength. One partner whispers, “I miss you,” and the other says, with relief, “I didn’t know you wanted me that close.” That is exactly what real connection sounds like: two people learning that love requires softness and warmth.

How to Bridge the Distance

Reconnection rarely happens through grand gestures. It begins in small, intentional moments:

• Share one honest feeling a day. Say something real instead of something polite.
• Ask for comfort directly. “Can you sit with me for a minute?” is often all it takes.
• Notice when you pull away. Awareness is the first step to change.
• Name the fear. Saying, “I realize I protect myself by staying distant” invites understanding, not blame.

These small acts of openness begin to rebuild emotional safety, which is the very foundation every close relationship needs.

The Bridge Between Two Islands

Independence is a gift. It allows us to grow, explore, and bring a fuller self into the relationship. But when it hardens into isolation, it quietly starves the connection we long for most.

Loving someone doesn’t mean losing yourself. It is daring to let another person see the real you.

And if you’ve built your life around strength and self-reliance, you don’t have to give them up. You just need to let them soften enough to let love in. Reach out to rebuild your connection through couples therapy.

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About the Author

Arkadiy Volkov, RP, is a Registered Psychotherapist and founder of Feel Your Way Therapy in Toronto. He leads a diverse team of therapists offering compassionate, evidence-based care to individuals, couples, children, and families. With a focus on building emotional connection and resilience, Arkadiy’s practice supports clients from all walks of life through both in-person and virtual therapy, helping them navigate challenges and create more fulfilling relationships.

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