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Call: (347) 631 8350 Virtual and In Person Therapy in NY

The Courage to Love Again After A Bad Breakup or Divorce
broken paper hearts to represent breakup

I was feeling inspired to think about how some people grew up with abusive neglectful parents who never got the love they desired and wanted and ended up in traumatic, abusive romantic relationships but yet they love again, but this time around its healthier. Some people are willing to take the risk to open up again and try to be vulnerable. That's what I mean by the courage to love, it takes guts to try again after getting hurt really badly.

I think about my pet cat and how she lost her owner a chinese older grandma and was living alone for 6 months. My cat then had a new owner, (me) but she was very terrified, she hid under the couch for two weeks and refused to eat when she first moved in with me. Eventually, after half a year, she warmed up, and is now my best friend. My cat Coco had the courage to love again, and trust, but it took a lot of time to rebuild her trust and to let her know I am not going anywhere. I would say my cat had anxious and avoidant attachment. She pretended that she didn't care that I came home, but in the cat camera, I see she sits by the door and waits for me but runs and hide when I'm home. She is anxious, she gets very upset at her cat sitters when I am gone to vacation, and when I get back, she stays very close to me.

On the other side, I also see a lot of people run away from love again because they are fucking terrified and not ready. That's okay too. I guess that's what the chinese saying mean when they said fate, right person but wrong time.

Here are some thoughts and ideas about healing and building courage to love again

1) Its okay to be scared. I think its normal to be scared. Its helpful to verbalize the fear. Whether you talk about it in therapy or journal.

2) Taking things slow (just like my cat Coco, she needed time to feel safe), there's no rush. Its helpful to not rush into a relationship, and spend some time processing and getting to the know the person first.

3) Listen to your body. Track how you feel inside when you are with the other person, what feels right? what feels good? what feels exciting? Track how you feel when you are alone, and not with the other person. What feels different this time around? Does this person bring out the best in you or worst in you? Can you be yourself when you are around them or do you feel fully seen or fully noticed? Do you feel small, and ashamed and finding yourself hiding behind a mask?

4) Do you feel safe? How do you resource safety. Do you feel safe with being with the other person you are dating? Is the other person secure enough to text you when they say they will or consistent enough to show up when they say they will? Do you feel safe enough in your self that you won't lose yourself in a relationship? Being swallowed in? sucked in? with nothing left of yourself?

Are you finding it hard to date again after a bad breakup or divorce? If yes, that's okay! or Are you finding a hard time in a new relationship? If so that is okay as well, you are allowed to move slowly and do what feels right, if you are struggling and want a guide or someone to help you process, contact me to see how relationship counseling can give you new insights, don't let fear hold you back from getting the love you want!

Therapy with Shanni

Offering Virtual Therapy Throughout New York and In Person Therapy on the Upper West Side, NYC.

110 W96th St Suite 1D, New York, NY 10025 (Tuesdays & Fridays)
Call: (347) 631 8350
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