Time is a increasingly confusing concept when you work in a suicide hotline because time never stops. tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock (you get the point.) 24 hours 365 days counselors line up like little ducklings waiting for their turn to pick up.

Time also has a different meaning here. The phone never stops ringing, my circadian rhythm (I had to copy and paste it, hard to spell haha) gets fucked up. Try to imagine living in the other side of the world when night means work and mornings mean sleep and holidays and weekends loses its meaning when you have to go to work. I noticed when counselors reached their one year mark (veterans I call them), they get dark and puffy eye circles.

I work through migraines, flu, sleepiness, family emergencies, christmas, thanksgivings and sometimes it takes all the energy I can muster to stay alert, present and connected.

It is almost two years since I started my job as a crisis counselor at a suicide hotline. I feel more confident to tell you what it is like to work here. But let me take you back to my humble beginnings. I was a newly mint social worker. I remember it was a dark and heavy time in my life. I was extremely broken, not to mention broke as fuck financially thanks to college debts with 0 confidence and had no idea what I was doing. Looking back now I am so proud of myself for my ability to keep moving. I know now that my brokenness allow me to connect with my caller’s pain, they felt comforted by my radical empathy.

Sometimes I hear callers swelling in tears of appreciation feeling understood, making the road less lonely in that moment.

I am alright. I feel healthy. not sad, no happy, just alright. that’s how I like to be. because being too happy means denial of reality, and nothing is forever, the inevitable, fragile and temporary-ness of life. Nothing is forever, this fluidity also means that sadness is not forever, and happiness comes and will come. Suicidal thoughts are fleeting moments, a deception, they come and go as well.

To do this work I constantly need to be aware with myself, and my own up to my feelings even when it is uncomfortable and painful. I have to accept the ugly parts of me, accept being human, that I cannot rescue everybody. I am not GOD, I am a flawed human being talking to another human, sharing vulnerable moment together.

Crisis Counselors are different from therapist, as therapist have time to gather information again in the next appointment, we do not have that luxury. Every second matters when we pick up the phone, I do my best to engage the callers while listening and assessing in a caring, gentle way while gathering as much information as I can even if I feel nervous, I remain calm and under control. Callers disconnect any moment and they do, so I learn to trust in myself and my ability to steer the conversation in the direction necessary while simultaneously pushing and accepting the limitations.

There are many moments that life and inspire me. It is a gift to have the honor to hear incredible, beautiful and transforming, powerful stories from strangers. To have these undeniable growth, mutual admiration and vulnerable moments.

But some become angry with me, some frighten me, and some calls leave me restless and unsettling as I never find out what happens. Sometimes the work gets very heavy and intense. I am being pulled by many directions. There are days when I want to the covers over my bed. I want to RUN. I grow weary. I get overwhelmed especially when my tank if full.

I still remember my first time losing a caller to suicide, despite all my effort to save her. She was so young, she had a sweet voice. Her mother was so sad, her voice trembling “my daughter is gone..” she couldn’t finish the rest of the sentence, I listened as she cried for the remaining of the call. I knew there was nothing I can say or do but to just be present and listen. My heart breaks as I imagine how my mother would feel if I was gone. I cry too, we cried together. The finite of death. The hours after suicide as families continue to go on living in the planet of “my daughter is gone” while we live in planet earth. It was a terrible feeling, feeling of dread and hopelessness.

Sorrow has its seasons, it comes and goes, even for me as a social worker, crisis counselor and therapist. I am learning not to beat myself up too hard. I learn to have compassion while I try to push pass my limitation. I learn to also accept my limitations and cope with it. I learn for this field of mental health, “self care” and therapy is not a luxury, it is a necessity in order to survive and thrive in the world of mental health.

I feel very grateful for the supportive coworkers and supervisors that have helped me grow as a clinician and made the hard times easier. I learn to treasure and value life more.

Thank you so much for reading this, this is a old wordpress post written in 2018, my first real job out of social work school, if you can relate to having suicidal thoughts and losing your love ones to suicide, please reach out for a free 15 mins consultation , as a NYC Asian American Therapist who deal with suicide, I can help.