In almost every couples practice, there’s a familiar scene: one partner feels overwhelmed and wants to talk right now (in order to process, to understand, to feel close again), and the other feels just as overwhelmed, but their instinct is the opposite: they want to shut down, take space, make the feelings smaller so they don’t spill over.

Both partners are doing the best to cope with what they are feeling, but neither feels understood, and after a fight that goes like that, chances are that they both will walk away thinking some version of: “It’s hopeless. Why is he/she doing it?”

The problem is rarely that people cope in the “wrong” way. Usually, the issue is that our nervous systems speak different languages, and nobody ever teaches us how to translate or understand one another.

Different Coping Styles Aren’t the Enemy

When things get hard, most of us lean toward one of two broad tendencies:

• We move toward emotion: talking, crying, texting, asking questions, replaying the situation.
• We move away from emotion: going quiet, getting logical, distracting ourselves, focusing on tasks.

If you move toward, your coping might sound like, “Can we please talk about this? I can’t relax until we do.”

If you move away, your coping might sound like, “I need to think. I don’t want to say something I regret.”

Both strategies make sense. Often, they were shaped long before the relationship even began, in families where big feelings were either welcomed or shut down, in cultures that rewarded composure or punished vulnerability, in personal histories of hurt and survival.

The real difficulty comes when one person’s safety signal (“We need to talk”) sounds to the other like a threat (“We’re going to fight”), and one person’s calming strategy (“I need space”) feels to the other like abandonment (“You’re leaving me alone with this”).

Does This Sound Familiar?

When something triggers an argument, the pattern can often look like this:

One partner says, “You never talk to me. You just shut down.”

The other says, “You never give me a minute. You keep pushing.”

Underneath those complaints, there are usually two scared nervous systems doing their best:

• The “pursuing” partner isn’t trying to nag. They’re trying to feel less alone with something that hurts.
• The “withdrawing” partner isn’t trying to punish. They’re trying to reduce the intensity so it doesn’t spiral out of control.

The more one pursues, the more the other shuts down. The more one shuts down, the more desperate the other feels. Both walk away feeling like the “difficult” one or believing their partner is.

But if a couple gets a chance to understand that what they’re really seeing is two different ways of protecting the relationship, the conversation starts to change.

Building a Bridge Between Two Coping Styles

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix, but there are things that we can consistently do to make a big difference:

1. Name your pattern, not just your pain.

Instead of “You always shut down,” try, “I notice when I get emotional, you get quiet, and then I feel alone. I think this is our pattern.” Naming it as ours reduces blame and creates a problem you can face together.

2. Agree on a “pause with a promise.”

If you just disappear to calm down, it can feel terrifying to your partner. You can make it safer for them by saying: “I’m overwhelmed and need 30 minutes to calm down. I promise I’ll come back and talk.” For the partner who needs connection, hearing a clear time frame and promise to return can turn panic into patience.

3. Translate your coping into care.

Try sharing the intention behind your actions or words.

If you tend to pull away: “When I go quiet, it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I’m afraid of making it worse. I’m working on staying more present.”

If you tend to move forward: “When I keep asking to talk, it’s because I feel scared and alone. I’m not trying to attack you, I’m trying to find where you are.”

Staying on the Same Side

The fact that you and your partner have different coping styles doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed. It simply means that you are two human beings with two very different histories, bodies, and nervous systems that trying to survive in a way that is familiar and efficient.

If you recognize yourselves in the patterns described above, it doesn’t mean that you are broken or that there is something wrong. It means that you are at the exact place where many couples begin their most important work: learning how to stay on the same team, even when your instincts pull you in opposite directions.

You don’t have to react the same way to feel close. You just have to learn how to turn toward each other, even when you cope differently. If you need help, talk to a relationship therapist today to maintain and deepen your connections.

About the Author

Arkadiy Volkov, RP, is a Registered Psychotherapist and founder of Feel Your Way Therapy in Toronto. He leads a diverse team of therapists offering compassionate, evidence-based care to individuals, couples, children, and families. With a focus on building emotional connection and resilience, Arkadiy’s practice supports clients from all walks of life through both in-person and virtual therapy, helping them navigate challenges and create more fulfilling relationships.