Why is it so hard to accept criticism? Does it trigger natural defense systems in our brains? Does it cause us to feel insecure, ashamed, or inadequate?
Accepting criticism is challenging, especially for those who had critical or punitive caregivers growing up. My work as a therapist specializing in complex childhood trauma, particularly with Asian clients, reveals that criticism can feel deeply painful. It often triggers feelings of rejection, shame, or inadequacy, such as thinking "I'm not good enough" or "I feel like an imposter." For example, my own experience with a critical immigrant Chinese mother and a father who became upset over small mistakes, like losing a key, led to a fear of criticism. At school, this manifested as avoiding test results or feeling like a failure if I scored below 90. This rejection sensitivity is common in my clients, and to avoid it, people may withdraw, self-sabotage, or not try at all to avoid the risk of failure.
Why are some people more receptive to feedback, and why are others more sensitive to it?
In contrast, if you grow up with caregivers who are patient, competent, and supportive, it is easier to tolerate criticism with less shame. A mistake, like a bad grade, may cause guilt and motivate trying again but is less likely to become an identity-based sense of shame. This difference in upbringing strongly influences how we internalize feedback.
What are 3-5 healthy ways of coping with criticism? Why does each help and what are tips for doing each?
There are three ways to cope. The first way is to take baby steps and do exposure work by not avoiding criticism but taking in small amounts of feedback at a time. Gradually, this helps build new neural pathways in your brain.
The second is parts work, recognizing criticism does not connect with who you are as a person, and there's a traumatized younger part and a wiser older part that can self soothe and talk to that other part that's more likely to internalize criticism as they are a bad person.
Third way is breath work, 4-7-8 breathing in 4 seconds through the nose and holding it I'm for 7 seconds and 8 seconds out, and noticing and making space in the body can help soothe as body holds a lot do the earlier emotions
And journaling can also help cause writing help slow down the nervous system and separate the anxiety from old stuff the past vs new stuff the present
