Divorce is an unpleasant term that no one is ever truly prepared to face. It’s often viewed as a legal ending involving signatures, the division of your assets, and a change in your official status. Many people will ask questions about your logistics, who is getting what, and your plans moving forward.

But what people don’t often highlight is the deeply emotional journey that you go through when in the midst of a divorce. The level of grief is underestimated or downplayed.

Unlike the grieving process that comes with the death of a loved one, grief with divorce is more subtle and complicated. Society doesn’t prepare anyone well for the emotional toll that comes later, often when you’re least expecting it.

More Than Missing Your Ex

Grief is normal after a loss, and yes, with divorce, you are losing a partner. But this grief is rarely just about missing your ex.

The complexity of divorce grief comes with the layers of things you’re left mourning. Sure, your ex is part of the equation. You’re also mourning the shared dreams and the future you had planned. You’re grieving the loss of an identity, a partner, your regular daily routines, and often the structure of your support system.

Suddenly, everything feels different. Even if you were the one who wanted the divorce, it’s still a confusing and painful time.

Grief Stages Aren’t Really Stages at All

If you’ve ever experienced a loss before, you’ve likely heard of the five stages of grief. The harsh reality is that grief doesn’t follow a linear path or a structured playbook. You can’t simply check off one stage and move on to the next.

There are going to be days when you feel like you’re turning a corner and are hopeful about the future. It’s also normal to have the next day feel like you’re being consumed by sadness out of nowhere. You may even experience days where you move through a spectrum of emotions all before lunchtime.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

Your Body Experiences Grief

Grief goes beyond the emotional experience. Your body tells its own story. You may feel:

• Exhausted despite getting sleep
• Chest tightness or heaviness
• Difficulty making decisions
• Trouble concentrating
• Appetite changes
• Sleep changes
• Physical aches and pains

All of these symptoms are ways that your nervous system is communicating that it isn’t ok and that it’s trying to process your current situation. Know that these symptoms aren’t permanent.

Making Space for Your Grief

Another factor that makes divorce grief more challenging is that you often experience conflicting feelings during the process. You may find yourself relieved that the relationship has ended, all while you’re sad that you’ve lost your partner. You know you made the right decision, but you’re still unhappy at the same time.

Whatever you’re feeling, even if opposing things, can all be true simultaneously. Give yourself permission to feel these emotions without feeling shame or the need to defend your grief process to anyone else.

Moving Forward on Your Journey

Just as with normal grief, healing from divorce grief doesn’t mean you’re forgetting about any details or pretending like certain aspects don’t hurt. Moving forward means you’re finding a way to rebuild your life in a new chapter.

Treat yourself with kindness on the days you feel like crying and celebrate on the days you feel joy and hope. Lean on your support system to help you cope with your emotions. It’s not a solo journey. Do things that remind you of who you are as an independent individual. Most importantly, be patient with yourself.

If you’re grieving after your divorce and you think you should be further along, let’s connect. I offer a divorce support group that could be a great fit at any stage of the process. Call to see if it’s a good fit!